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“Fuck you, too, Wendy. You have quite a few groups that you hate: men, Jews, married men, unmarried men, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, etc. Not everyone’s a committed celibate like yourself, you know. You’d make an excellent nun, except that you also hate Catholics and the Pope. What do you seem to love is the fine Texas chili, I have to say, but that’s gonna cost ya. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, after all, is there?” Uncle Manfred chuckled now, even as Aunt Wendy grew increasingly dizzy, just moments after her own sister spaced out.“What did you put in this ... chili?” Wendy slurred her speech now, even as she heard Kelly giggle uncontrollably.“Just a little love,” I smirked as I entered the room now.“Simon?” Mom recognized me in spite of her drugged state, while Aunt Wendy was more than a little slow to react to my presence.“That’s the name you gave me, isn’t it? Don’t worry. You have a new home. The bad news is that both of you now live under my roof, which means putting up. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.Compliments of LarryOne hot summer day, Bruce came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.Some 20 minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside....
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